my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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