I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
