my phone needs a breathalizer
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
