Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
