My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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