she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
