My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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