your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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