nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
