It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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