dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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