Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
