I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
