if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
