I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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