So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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