I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
