forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
