my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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