I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
