I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
