I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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