Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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