I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i now understand why vodka
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
