the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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