There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
