I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
