32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
