i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
