Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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