I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
