Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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