Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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