Pappa wants mamma naked
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
