at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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