You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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