I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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