This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
