you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Come on in and take your pants off
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