We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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