Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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