I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
