I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
