just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
