If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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