Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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