how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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