I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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