i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
