My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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