Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
are you so shy because you have an std?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
