I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
3 2 1 whiskey
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
