Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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