I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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