I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
