I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
