Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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