A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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